NBA playoffs

Handicapping the first round of the NBA Playoffs

It’s been six excruciating months since the start of the NBA season. How anyone can give a shit about the NBA regular season is beyond me. It’s eighty-two games of bullshit. If you watched an entire Brooklyn Nets game, you deserved to be punched in the face. If you watched one of the eight Cavaliers games that LeBron James didn’t play, you have serious issues and need to get laid or a real hobby. The season played out just as any idiot could’ve predicted in October. A bunch of stars sat out games. The Warriors and Spurs dominated the West. The Celtics and Cavs sit atop the shitty Eastern Conference. Russell Westbrook sans Kevin Durant ball hogged his way to a historic season. It was six months of average to mostly crap, predictable basketball. And yours truly watched virtually none of it. I didn’t need to and neither did you. The real season starts today. It’s been a long wait but now we get treated with the best basketball in the world for the next eight weeks. Pass the funyons.

Eastern Conference

8 Chicago Bulls vs. 1 Boston Celtics

Remember when the Boston Celtics hired that one coach from Butler and everyone laughed at them? You know that one guy who looks my accountant (if I had an accountant). I think he took all those white guys from Butler to a couple national championships. They lost, though. No way he can manage egos in the NBA. He’ll be back in college at Gardner Webb in three years. WELL WHAT NOW, BITCHES!?! Brad Stevens is a god. Four years ago the Celtics traded Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett and now they’re the top seed in the East. Absolutely amazing. Stevens will win multiple titles someday. He’s that good and everyone who followed Butler knew it.

I’m a big fan of Isiah Thomas. He’s my favorite NBA midget since Mugsy Bogues. Lastly, fuck all Chicago sports teams. I wish we could ban the greater Chicago area from listening to our podcast. Ya’ll suck.

Celtics in 6.

5 Atlanta Hawks vs. 4 Washington Wizards

Hmmm what to say about this series. John Wall is cool and kind of good at basketball. The Hawks have that one German guy and Dwight Howard, right? I think I’ll play madden or talk to tinder bitches when these games are on.

Wizards in 6.

6 Milwaukee Bucks vs. 3 Toronto Raptors

Giannis Antetokounmpo. First, I have no idea how to actually pronounce his name and never will. But what I want to know most is are we sure he’s actually a human being? He does things on a basketball court night in and night out that I didn’t think were possible. I love watching him more than anybody in the NBA. I just wish that didn’t involve watching the rest of the Bucks. My biggest hope for this series is for the Greek Freak to put that shit head Demar DeRozan on a poster. I can’t wait to see DeRozan, Paul George and Russell Westbrook create the most dysfunctional big three of all-time in LA in a few years. Anyway, I disgress. Toronto is just plain better and too experienced to lose this series.

Raptors in 5.

7 Indiana Pacers vs. 2 Cleveland Cavaliers

Last chance Lance has risen! Easter came early in Indiana. Lance Stephenson was dead. So was Indiana’s season. They had lost six of eight. The team was lifeless and looked all but ensured a spot in the lottery. Enter the messiah. He single handedly rescued his career and got Indiana into the playoffs. The Pacers won five of their last six games with the lone loss coming in double overtime to the Cavs. The messiah injected enthusiasm and life into a team that lacked it all season long. Indiana is hot. Cleveland is not. The Cavs have lost four in a row entering the playoffs. How can you not be pumped to see Lance guarding LeBron after the ear blowing incident a few years ago? This series will be must see TV. Drama personified. I’d be willing to bet big time money Lance will test LeBron’s patience as long as this series lasts. Will the Pacers beat the Cavs? No chance. But I think they have the ability to put a scare in them. Paul George will have to play like a superstar and I think he will. This series should be the best of the first round.

Cavs in 7.

Western Conference

8 Portland Trail Blazers vs. 1 Golden State Warriors

This series will be like a overturned semi in the middle of a busy interstate. It’s horrific. The damage is immense. The wreckage is everywhere. But as you drive by you can’t help yourself from slowing down and watching. Portland is a pile of crap outside of Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum. They are ridiculously over matched and, barring a three point barrage, the series will probably be a sweep. The Warriors are working Kevin Durant back into the lineup after his injury and should have plenty of opportunity to knock the rust off before a more challenging second round opponent. If the Warriors weren’t so damn fun to watch, I probably wouldn’t tune into this train wreck. But it’s Steph Curry, Draymond Green, Klay Thompson and company shitting on people. That’s must see TV. I’ll give the Blazers the benefit of the doubt and say they steal a game in Portland.

Warriors in 5.

5 Utah Jazz vs. 4 Los Angeles Clippers

This is one of the most intriguing first round matchups. The young and talented Jazz vs. the older guard Clippers, whose window is rapidly closing if not completely shut. It’s the playoff debut of the great white hope, Gordon Hayward. He’s the most intriguing player in this series. Can he rise to the occasion and prove he’s a legitimate top 15ish player in this league? Or will Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and Doc Rivers beat the upstarts comfortably and await a beat down from the Warriors in the second round? If George Hill can limit Chris Paul on the offensive end, I think Utah has a great shot. Ultimately, I think Hayward balls out and proves to the entire NBA that he is the greatest white player since Larry Legend. On that note, I want Gordon to be the father of my children. What say you Gordo?

Jazz in 7.

6 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 3 Houston Rockets

I’m pretty over Russell Westbrook. The dude is the most exciting player in the NBA, but he’s totally the Carmelo Anthony of yester-year. He’s a great player. I don’t deny that. His teams will never win big, though. This series does little for me. NBA nerds everywhere are creaming their cargo shorts over the Russ-Harden matchup. The top two candidates for the MVP going head to head. Boner city. Meh. I’m sure we’ll see plenty of triple doubles but selfish, star oriented basketball doesn’t get my panties wet. I don’t really care who wins or have much of an opinion.

I just can’t stop thinking how OKC had Westbrook, Harden and Durant at one point. How did they fuck that up so bad? Oh well. I’ll go Rockets. I guess.

Rockets in 6.

7 Memphis Grizzlies vs. 2 San Antonio Spurs

Greg Popovich pisses excellence. I’m convinced he could make the Illegal Touching podcast crew into a playoff contender. Vince is the garbage man in the paint. Jake as our stretch 4 pulling opposing big men away from the basket. Jon and I wetting 3’s from deep all day long. It’d be a beautiful thing. One day we’re shitting on the neighborhood 12 year olds. The next, we’re making Steph and Draymond our bitch in the Western Conference Finals. I’m the star. Of course. No way in hell I’m not taking the game winning shot. Jordan passing to Steve Kerr was a tragedy. I’m going to be the hero.

Spurs in 5.

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