It’s that time. Jake Vogt’s Annual NFL Player Selection Meeting Mocking of the Draft is finally here! It’s been a long wait since last April, but hey, Christmas can come once a year, and the same goes with my mock draft. The NFL world has been pretty crazy as of late—The San Diego Super Chargers are no more after moving two hours north to the City of Angels; the Raiders pulled the ultimate Raiders move and announced plans to relocate to Las Vegas; and Aaron Hernandez decided to leave it all in the courtroom by hanging himself with a bedsheet. Tragic, the young man had so much talent. But the one constant thing that we have going in our sad lives is the NFL Draft in all its glory. As you should know by now, I have not missed a pick since I started doing this thing way back in 2009, and I don’t intend to start now. My sources are some of the greatest thinkers the world has ever seen, and they make the rest of the league’s “sources” look like a collective group of hardcore meth users. I could not do this of course, without one person in particular—Me. Yes, it all boils down to me and my impeccable draft related intuition and all world scouting abilities. I have watched every snap of every game of every draft eligible player, so I would highly suggest that you don’t question me. Some #haters have doubted me in the past, and they ain’t been seen or heard from since. Don’t fucking try me. Anyway, let’s get down to the magic.
1. Cleveland Browns
Myles Garrett-DE Texas A&M
Shockingly, the Browns haven’t held the 1st overall pick in 17 years, but things have finally come full circle. Garrett is a can’t miss prospect, except that the Browns are drafting him, and the team’s last 1st overall pick in 2000 was another can’t miss DE prospect named Courtney Brown.
2. San Francisco 49ers
Leonard Fournette-RB LSU
New 49ers GM John Lynch has a chance to be the greatest GM dipshit since Josh McDaniels was the Broncos Head Coach/GM, and I hope that he doesn’t disappoint. Fournette would be a good start as the next Trent Richardson.
3. Chicago Bears
Jamal Adams-S LSU
The Bears have their quarterback situation squared away after signing Mike Glennon. Just kidding, they’re fucked. But Jamal Adams could really improve his ball skills picking off Glennon’s passes in training camp. Win-win.
4. London Jaguars
Solomon Thomas-DE Stanford
New Jaguars GM, or GM Senior Advisor, or whatever the fuck he is, Tom Coughlin loves him some d-linemen. Thomas would be a great addition to the team’s d-line that finishes in the bottom half of total sacks every year.
5. Tennessee Titans
Marshon Lattimore-CB Ohio State
Marshon Lattimore may be a little handsy in coverage, but at least he’s not as handsy as his teammate.
6. New York Jets
Mike Williams-WR Clemson
The Jets need a real receiver to complement Jesse James’ husband. Williams is very similar to former Jets receiver Brandon Marshall, minus the Borderline Personality Disorder.
7. Los Angeles Super Chargers
Jonathan Allen-DE Alabama
Allen’s shoulders are not elite, which is the reason why he’s slipping in the draft. But he’ll be the perfect complement to last year’s first rounder Joey Bosa. Watch out Rams, there’s a new shitty team in Los Angeles with a loaded d-line.
8. Carolina Panthers
Christian McCaffrey-RB Stanford
I don’t know how I feel about a white running back going in the top 10, but you know this guy is a hard worker, has some grit, and will be the top selling jersey in Charlotte.
9. Cincinnati Bengals
John Ross-WR Washington
Cincinnati needs fast guys to run from the cops. With a 4.22 40, Ross can outrun any cop in Cincinnati.
10. Buffalo Bills
OJ Howard-TE Alabama
There’s some concern that another OJ in Buffalo could be problematic, but Howard is just too good to pass up at this point, and likely won’t commit any serious felonies until well after his career is over.
11. New Orleans Saints
Derek Barnett-DE Tennessee
There’s some talk here that the Saints could go quarterback in the 1st round, and the team is in win-now mode. Also, their defense is a bucket of turd water.
12. Cleveland Browns
Mitch(ell) Trubisky-QB North Carolina
Apparently the whole Tim Couch, Jeff Garcia, Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson, Brandon Weeden, Colt McCoy, RGIII, Johnny Manziel, Charlie Frye, Bruce Gradkowski, Jason Campbell, Cody Kessler project didn’t work. But I have a good feeling about this Trubisky kid.
13. Arizona Cardinals
Haason Redick-LB Temple
Daryl Washington is back after a three year hiatus. But he’s been addicted to the Marijuana in the past, and once an addict, always an addict. Redick will be a nice backup plan, except that he’s overrated and will probably suck in the pros.
14. Philadelphia Eagles
Dalvin Cook-RB Florida State
Dalvin Cook is the best running back in this class that hasn’t (allegedly) punched a woman in the face on camera. I think that he might be a little more productive than Ryan Matthews, but I don’t fucking know.
15. Indianapolis Colts
Reuben Foster-LB Alabama
Granted, Foster had some rough moments in Indy during the combine, but he’s probably a good kid who ran into some thugs that pointed a gun at his head and forced him to smoke a joint. After all, who would be dumb enough to smoke weed before the biggest drug test of their life?
16. Baltimore Ravens
TJ Watt-OLB Wisconsin
TJ Watt is only one letter away from being JJ Watt. Is he as good as JJ Watt? No, but he comes from the same nutsack, which will surely get him overdrafted.
17. Washington Indigenous Persons of Red Color
Joe Mixon-RB Oklahoma
Why the hell not? Everyone already hates the Redskins, so they should just embrace it. Everyone hated Donald Trump and he still kept doing stupid shit, but now he’s President.
18. Tennessee Titans
David Njoku-TE Miami (FL)
Delanie Walker is old, but David Njoku is young. #analysis.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Obi Melifonwu-S UConn
No one, not even Obi can pronounce his last name, which is why Tampa would be the perfect fit for him. If he plays in Tampa, no one will pay any attention to him and won’t have to embarrass themselves trying to say that random collection of letters he calls a name.
20. Denver Broncos
Garrett Bolles-OT Utah
Denver needs a left tackle, and Bolles, a Mormon, has requested to play for a team in the West in order to be closer to the motherland of Utah. While this is probably not true, It’s certainly not not true, and it works out for him and the Broncos.
21. Detroit Lions
Zach Cunningham-LB Vanderbilt
A middle linebacker who sucks at tackling should work out great for Detroit.
22. Miami Dolphins
Taco Charlton-DE Michigan
Last year the Dolphins let Olivier Vernon get away to sign Mario Williams. This year, they let better prospects get away to draft Taco Charlton.
23. New York Football Giants
Jarrad Davis-LB Florida
The Giants haven’t had a decent linebacker in years, and once they draft Jarrad Davis, they still won’t have one. He’s terrible.
24. Oakland Raiders
Malik McDowell-DT Michigan St.
If only Al Davis were still alive to draft John Ross. If Davis were still alive, the Raiders would probably be drafting in the top five, and would’ve undoubtedly drafted the fastest receiver ever. But Al Davis is dead, and Malik McDowell would make sense for a young, talented team.
25. Houston Texans
Pat Mahomes-QB Texas Tech
In my opinion, Mahomes is the best QB in this class and is a steal for the Texans this late in the first. At least he’s better than that piece of muff cabbage Dashaun Watson.
26. Seattle Seahawks
Cam Robinson-OT Alabama
Can you imagine how good Russell Wilson would be if he wasn’t constantly running for dear life in the pocket? We’ll get to see that so long as Cam Robinson stays out of jail (doubtful).
27. Kansas City C*****
Deshon Kizer-QB Notre Dame
Andy Reid isn’t afraid to draft talentless a QB to replace a good one.
28. Dallas Cowboys
Jordan Willis-DE Kansas St.
Randy Gregory was supposed to be the next great pass rusher for the Cowboys, but apparently he only pisses pure THC.
29. Green Bay Packers
Adoree Jackson-CB USC
I’ve never seen worse cornerback play than with the Packers in the NFC Championship Game. Adoree Jackson may be a little raw, but dammit, he’s got to be good enough to be at least the team’s slot corner.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers
Charles Harris-DE/OLB Missouri
Bud Dupree hasn’t worked out, and James Harrison was playing for the Steelers before the forward pass became a thing. Unfortunately for Harris, he’ll be introduced to that dump of a sandwich shop known as Primanti Bros.
31. Atlanta Falcons
It doesn’t really matter who the Falcons draft. They’ll never be able to live down that epic meltdown they had in the Super Bowl.
32. New Orleans Saints
Quincy Wilson-S/CB Florida
The Saints have never not needed a cornerback, and Wilson just so happens to be the best corner available who’s not currently facing rape charges.
There you have it folks. This is how the draft WILL play out on Thursday. And remember, if you don’t like the picks I made, you’re not mad at me, you’re mad at your team.
Why stop here? Let’s keep the draft party train going!
Best Names of the 2017 Draft
5.JuJu Smith Schuster-WR USC
4.Damore’ea Stringefellow-WR Ole Miss
3.Corn Elder-CB Miami
2.Taco Charlton-DE Michigan
1.Fish Smithson-S Kansas
Fuck Ups of the NFL Draft
10.Reuben Foster-LB Alabama
Getting sent home from the Combine and failing a drug test is nothing new for an Alabama player, but it will make teams second guess drafting Foster early.
9.Cam Robinson-OT Alabama
Robinson got popped with a little Marijuana and stolen gun charge. Just a guy bein’ a guy.
8.Tim Williams-OLB Alabama
Failed multiple drug tests in college, and arrested for carrying a handgun without a license.
7.Dalvin Cook-RB Florida State
Was charged with robbery and firing a handgun on school property as a teen, then charged with battery while at Florida State. Still, not bad for a Seminole.
6.Avery Moss-DE Youngstown State
Kicked off Nebraska after allegedly exposing himself to a female student on campus. Can’t blame a guy for trying to get laid.
5.Jeremy Sprinkle-TE Arkansas
Shoplifted at a store before the team’s bowl game despite having a few hundred dollars in gift cards to said store.
4.Joe Mixon-RB Oklahoma
If you don’t know by now, you probably shouldn’t have been reading this in the first place.
3.Ishmael Zamora-WR Baylor
The man abuses dogs. Fuck him.
2.Gareon Conley-CB Ohio State
This whole rape allegation thing couldn’t have come at a worse time for Conley.
1.Caleb Brantley-DT Florida
Joe Mixon taught us that it’s bad to punch women in the face. Caleb Brantley taught us that it’s probably the dumbest fucking thing you can do two weeks prior to getting locked into a contract. Live and learn I guess.