We are one third of the way through the 2017 nfl regular season, and boy has it been anything but regular (zing). I’m just kidding, this season’s been basic af. Some would say that the quality of play is down, but that’s just dumb shit that people say and have been saying for years. Are we so fine-tuned that us as typical viewers can say that this is bad football? Versus what? Was the 2010 season the pinnacle of good football play? Or are we clamoring for the days of fullback sets where a slot wide receiver might catch 25 passes a season? Maybe viewers want Madden style, 84 combined point games. Point is, people are stupid and don’t know what they’re talking about. Plus, the guy saying this is the casual football observer who nobody wants to be around. Anyway, let’s move on.
Quarter Season Awards That Will Look Stupid in Two Months
I don’t think a rookie has ever won MVP (citation needed), and I don’t actually believe that Hunt will be MVP, but right now he’s the best player on the best team in football. Who else would it be at this point? Jared Goff? Like I said, it won’t happen, and the Chiefs are due for an epic second half of the season collapse, but if some horrible apocalypse-inducing disaster caused the season to end today, Hunt would be MVP.
Most Worthless Player of the Year-Jarvis Landry
Jarvis Landry is nothing more than a high volume, bubble screen, PPR fluke. He’s averaging 6.6 YPR, less than Hunt is averaging per carry! I know, Jarvis has been to a few Pro Bowls, but he is gadget player who can’t operate outside of the slot and only works between the numbers. With that being said, he’s bound to be on the Patriots roster someday.
Is He Really Still Playing Award-Brandon Marshall (WR)
Yes, Brandon Marshall is still playing, not that you would know. He’s been non-existent on a shit bag Giants team despite having OBJ playing next to him. He just might be this year’s version of Andre Johnson
Overrated Rookie-Leonard Fournette
Hate to say I told you so…
WTF DPOY-Demarcus Lawrence
After three mediocre seasons, Lawrence has become a force for Dallas. Chalk it up to a soon to be announced four game suspension.
Most Disappointing Fantasy Player-Entire Pittsburgh Steelers Offense
Somehow the Steelers are sitting atop the AFC North (probably the worst division in football) despite Brown, Rothlisberger, Bell, and Bryant all being fantasy turds up to this point.
Chuck Pagano Hot Seat Meter-Balmy
Poker Chip Chuck’s seat cooled down a little bit after a thrilling win against the juggernaut Browns in Week 3, and it stayed cool through the first half of Week 4 where the Colts stayed competitive with Seattle for the first half. But in typical Colts fashion, the team imploded in the second half when Chuck was woefully outcoached, but the Colts definitely earned themselves a participation trophy.
How Your Fantasy Team Looks Heading into Week 5
Probably not good. If you were one of the unlucky bastards who had a top 3 pick in your league, you either drafted Le’Veon Bell, David Johnson, or Antonio Brown and you are most likely at or below .500. On top of this, Derek Carr broke his back, Dalvin Cook shredded his ACL, and Marcus Mariota must be seriously hurt as the Titans pulled the all-time “we’re f*cked” move and signed Brandon Weeden.
This Week on NFL Redzone
Folks, Scott Hanson pulled out the big guns and brought out the quint-box; that’s five screens for those of you who are new to Redzone or those who aren’t familiar with the term quint since your significant other doesn’t make you watch TLC’s Outdaughtered.
It’s New Fall TV Premier Season
I know a lot of us POS millennials only watch shows on Netflix and Hulu (and if you’re really a POS, Amazon Prime Video), but some of us like good ol’ family-friendly network TV. The big four has #blessed us with classic television like Cavemen, Stacked, and that show about a chick playing Major League Baseball. This year we have shows such as The Mayor, the unconfirmed spiritual successor to Chris Rock’s 2003 comedy Head of State; Young Sheldon, a spin-off of that show that everyone hates but somehow has good ratings; and some sitcom about a white family and their wacky adventures. What a time to be alive!
Conspiracy Theory of the Week-Andrew Luck’s “Injury”
Don’t be fooled by the clearly archived and edited video footage of Luck on the sideline at Colts games, that’s #fakenews folks. The truth is that Andrew Luck was kidnapped shortly after the conclusion of the 2016 regular season. The fine details of Andrew Luck’s disapperance are unclear at this point and it will take some good old-fashioned investigative journalism to find that out. But what is clear is that Andrew Luck’s whereabouts are unknown. This “injury” that everyone keeps talking about is a clear cover-up for what really happened-he was kidnapped by Russian hackers who wanted to control the outcome of the NFL season. Why the Colts haven’t admitted this yet? The answer is simple-they’re embarrassed and it proves that the Russians have control over the NFL, as the league has known for years now. Just take a look at this missing persons bulletin and tell me that the guy on the left isn’t Andrew Luck. As for the vague details on Luck’s injury, the team decided to announce that Luck had undergone surgery shortly after his kidnapping, giving team security time to infiltrate the underground Russian bunker where Luck is being held. But alas, the missions up to this point have been unsuccessful. Thus an injury that should’ve healed by this point is just a way for the Colts to buy time in order to recover Luck.
Protest of the Week-Bring Back Nesquik Cereal
90s food/snack/beverage nostalgia is at an all-time high right now, hence things like Zima and Oreo O’s cereal coming back on the market. However, my heart still yearns for one thing-Nesquick Cereal. The sweet chocolaty morsels were introduced in 1999 and made Cocoa Puffs look like the dogshit that they are. Then one day in 2012, some jackass at the Nestle Corporation decided that Nesquik cereal wasn’t appealing to Americans and pulled it off US grocery shelves. While I probably haven’t had Nesquik cereal since its inception, now that it’s gone I need it back in my life. The worst part is that the cereal is still sold in Europe, Mexico, and Canada. This is an insult to all Americans. What can I do, you ask? Boycott Nestle products, find a nearby Nestle factory/distribution plant and handcuff yourself to a chair in the lobby, or silently take a knee in the baking aisle at your local grocery store in front of the Nesquik.
The Los Angeles Chargers need to call a mulligan. Not only are they 0 and 4, but they are embarrassing themselves by playing football in a futbol “stadium” and are barely selling tickets. Would it be embarrassing for the team to pull out (not that Phillip Rivers knows how to) and go back to San Diego? Sure, but it’s not like they have any pride left in the tank.
Bill Belichick is too smart for his own good. Bill thought that he could get rid of all of his top-tier defensive talent (Chandler Jones, Jamie Collins), and make it all work out. Now the Patriots are 2 and 2, sitting behind the Buffalo Bills in the AFC East. So much for going 16 and 0 this season (looking at you USA Today).
I am legitimately sad that Dalvin Cook is out for the year, mainly because he was keeping my fantasy team together. I guess I feel bad for him too, but it’s mostly about me. I don’t feel any sort of sympathy for Vikings fans though. They’re used to this kind of thing, so before you start feeling bad for Vikings fans, just know that they should’ve seen this coming.
Desean Kizer is not the answer to the Browns’ QB problem. Sure, he looked like he might be the guy in Week 1 when he showed some promise as an athletic rookie, but in all reality, he’s a backup. It’s been 18 years to this point, what’s one more?
Seriously, where does this f*cking guy keep coming from? Somehow he’s at every USC game and gets his stupid Sam Darnold Jets jersey on national TV. The Jets are doomed to play themselves out of the 1st pick, and they’d probably take another defensive lineman anyway.
The LA Rams are winning, but they look like shit doing so. They’ve decided to wait until they unveil their new stadium to bust out a fresh new look, so the Rams decided to change their logo and helmet while keeping their old jerseys.
How They Got to This Point –New York Giants
The Giants have always been either mediocre or Super Bowl Champions. They’ve never bottomed out and they’ve never been dominant, even when they won the two Super Bowls. Now they’re on the verge of bottoming out despite investing heavily in their weaknesses. The team went on a spending spree in the 2016 offseason signing Janoris Jenkins, Olivier Vernon, and Snacks Harrison. They’ve also drafted pretty well with studs like Landon Collins and OBJ. But then they also spent the 9th pick of the 2015 Draft on Erek Flowers who has been really, really bad at LT. Then there’s Eli. The two-time Super Bowl MVP can’t put two consecutive good seasons together and is on the tail end of his bizarre career. Also, they haven’t had a decent f*cking running back since Brandon Jacobs. Brandon Jacobs!!! So since then they’ve relied on mediocre veterans and 4th Round draft picks who haven’t and probably won’t be any good. Also, Ben McAdoo should’ve kept the Pennywise the Clown haircut he had going on. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good slicked back undercut, but damn, McAdoo just can’t rock it. Maybe this year the Giants will finally bottom out.
Amazon Prime Video Presents NFL Thursday Night Football Preview- Tampa Bay vs New England
Not much to predict other than some shitty football that induces thoughts of “why the hell am I watching this crap?” Be on the lookout for Brady’s first interception of the season, Jameis Winston laying an egg, and a final score of 13-10 (Patriots). Also returning is the Muscle Hamster!
Headline Grab For Next Week-Is Odell Sleeping with Jarvis?